It always seems like there's nobody that truly understands me. Not in a bad way or anything, I sort of like being an unreadable book, it helps me to feel in control. I just wish there was somebody out there that knows what I'm feeling like, but that's a very slim possibility. I know I'm no saint. I've never done anything bad really, but I think in a completely different way to everybody else. I know what people like and what they're more than likely going to think and say so I act in the way that appeals to them. I'm like a human chameleon really. I know I'm not the only person like that out there, but I know I have a very rare mindset.
People think I'm so nice, and I act nicely and think nicely but I always have that voice in the back of my head telling me the worst things to do, in the slyest way. I don't mind, but if I ever said this to anyone, people would see me in a whole different light.
I'm not horrible, I just sometimes nearly act on impulse. It's like, steal this 2euro, she'll never miss it. Come on, do this, nobody'll ever know. And nobody ever does. That's what scares me, I don't know how far I'll go. I don't ever feel guilt, I never have. Ever. All I've ever felt is scared and upset that somebody might find out and I'll get into trouble. Guilt is what scares me, or the lack thereof. I have a conscience, but I never feel guilty, so I know what to do or not to do, but if I ever did something bad I wouldn't ever feel guilty, just a bit freaked out that someone might notice.
All through this I've said scared, but when I say scared I son't mean terrified, just a tiny bit annoyed that if I'm caught out it ruins my plans. I'm also very selfish, but for the sake of others and blending into society I put others first.
Who could ever go out with me or get to know me properly without being freaked out? Seriously I might as well just give up on finding the perfect guy out there. What you see is so not what you get.
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